Saturday 28 September 2013

Singapore Grand Prix – The Race

Vettel - so not feeling the love
Vettel - he is not feeling the love

When they’re compiling the Best Moments of F1 in the 2010s decade DVD, its fair to say that the Singapore Grand Prix of 2013 won’t be appearing heavily.

Abandoned once again by Mr Eau Rouge on race day (he is making a habit of this – anyone would think he is bored to tears watching Vettel pulverise the rest of the field into oblivion), I persuaded my one-time fanatical little F1 bud, the 6 year old, to watch the race with me. When the build-up came on, he shrieked like a banshee “is it night-time…that is AWESOME”. The innocence of youth. And the funny thing is we should love the Singapore GP because it offers something different but by and large it just doesn’t bloody work. Street circuits look cool but don’t tend to produce scintillating races. Even the ‘we bow down before thee’ Monaco has given us some excruciatingly dull races over the years but admittedly the exciting races when they come round are un-freaking-believably exciting (eg. cars in the harbour, 15 car pile-ups etc).

There was an interesting chat between Damon Hill and Johnny Herbert about street circuits. Obviously they have to be on message to keep the powers that be at Sky Towers happy but they were both in total agreement about how street circuits were the most thrilling to drive as the driver concentration levels are so intense and supreme skill is required. I totally see that but as entertainment they’re not the greatest. But then we get into what is more important, sport or entertainment. For another time! However, there is 'on message' and there is just a Plain Big Fat Lie such as when Simon Lazenby welcomed us to ‘one of the great theatres of sport’. What the Marina Bay Street Circuit?!! Is he having a laugh? #senseofhumourfailure



Like a Miss World winner, beautiful but dull.
Like a Miss World winner, beautiful but dull as.

Anyhow, I am so loving the Damon and Johnny double-act segment where they go round the track together that we’ve seen in recent races. Its just utterly brilliant hearing them chat about the old days and it seems this year they’ve finally figured out how to best use Damon. His chat with Simon Lazenby about his different team-mates was also fascinating especially when Damon semi-contradicted Prost (who had earlier told us how him and Ayrton shared everything, were totally open and honest with data and the like) by saying Alain was in fact a pretty secretive team-mate. I know who my money is on!

Simon was even granted an audience with the iconic (Simon’s words) David Beckham who was hanging out with Mercedes for the weekend. We all like David Beckham (or indeed David Bacon as the 6 year old calls him) in the House of Power. Admittedly for different reasons. Poor old David, he has only been to two F1 races and one of them is Singapore. He wants to get his people to sort out a few Monaco tickets for heaven’s sake. David Beckham and Monaco were made for each other. I digress. To his credit Becks did not go down the whole ‘I’m the biggest F1 fan’ route and to his even bigger credit he name-checked Michael Schumacher as the driver who raised the bar in terms of dedication and physical conditioning or as Dave put ‘making sure you eat the right fings and drink the right fings’. Love him.



Still got it.
Still got it.

I’ve toyed with how best to blog about this race. For so many reasons: inertia, a slight but persistent hangover, the fact it is already Thursday (yes, I really started this blog two days ago - it is now Saturday) and Singapore wasn’t exactly the race of the century, I’m going to keep it short and sweet and punchy (there may be lawyer style bullet-points). Because really who needs to know again that Grosjean pitted on lap 16 or whatever. Oh and also I want to have my say about boo-gate and hitching-a-lift-gate. There may be ranting.

  • The race winner was Sebastian Vettel. But then we all knew that from the moment the teams rocked up in Singapore. He hasn’t won the drivers title yet but it is only a matter of time. Basically the maths is how many lots of 25 points (Seb’s standard points haul per race) does he need to get to stop any other driver catching him. He has a 60 point lead with a maximum of 150 points up for grabs in the remaining 6 races. Sod the maths. He’s won it already. The only moment of heart-stopping panic for Christian Horner was when Nico Rosberg edged ahead of Vettel at the start but after Nico ran wide soon after, Vettel was quickly able to regain the lead. Game Over.
  • And in 2nd place aka the Best Possible Result in a Non-Adrian Newey Designed Car was of course Fernando Alonso. A smart pitstop gamble when the Safety Car came out meant Alonso leapfrogged other drivers to keep his title challenge alive. Faintly alive but still flickering nonetheless.
  • The biggest surprise of the afternoon was the appearance of Kimi Raikkonen on the podium. After another dire qualifying where he started 13th on the grid, he drove brilliantly to join his future team-mate, Fernando Alonso, on the podium.
  • Almost at the very moment that Vettel sealed victory, poor Mark Webber’s engine spectacularly burst into flames on the final lap after overheating due to a loss of water pressure. It would be Mark’s car yeah?
  • The main enlivenment came from the Safety Car which was brought into play after Daniel Ricciardo steered his car into the barriers halfway through the race. It did mean that teams gambled on two different strategies – whether to pit immediately (Alonso, Raikkonen and the McLarens) or stay out and pit later (the Red Bulls and the Mercedes drivers). Pitting immediately turned out to be a super-smart move but obviously in the case of Vettel who can pit and squeeze in a 10 course tasting menu before returning to the lead such trifles as race strategy are utterly irrelevant. After the Safety Car he pulled out a 30 second lead in 15 laps which is simply mind-blowing.

What will we remember this Singapore race for? Honestly speaking. Well two things, both of which occurred after the race.

Camaraderie in F1. Not dead after all.
Camaraderie in F1. Not dead after all.

First off Mark Webber decided to flag down Fernando Alonso on the warmdown lap to hitch a lift back to the pits. Watching it at the time, I thought ahhhhh what a lovely moment between two good buds. Things like that don’t happen much in F1 any more. Everyone remembers or knows of the famous moment when Mansell gave Senna a lift at the British Grand Prix in 1991. Just one of those beautiful images that will stay with you forever.


Mansell and Senna, 1991.
Mansell and Senna, 1991.

Then what happened next? WELL HANG ON. They have only gone and slapped poor Mark Webber with a 10 place grid penalty for the next race for cadging a lift. The Twitterverse imploded at the travesty of it all. So had we seen the greatest  miscarriage of justice in the history of forever? Well replays showed that in fact Alonso stopped on the racing line to collect his passenger causing Lewis Hamilton (and others) to take rapid action to avoid hitting the Ferrari. It was clearly daft and reckless but really did they need to reprimand Webber (knowing full well a 3rd reprimand would trigger a 10 place grid drop). FFS no harm was done. A slapped wrist and talking to from someone with a clipboard would have sufficed. The stewards’ decision just looked like a mean-spirited reaction to a genuinely nice moment. Sometimes the sport does not help itself.

And so to the podium. Thankfully after the farce that was the Monza podium, Bernie had seen fit to issue an imperial decree to stipulate that Martin Brundle was to take charge of proceedings. But the boo-boys were there in force to jeer Vettel on the podium once again. The booing is starting to become a customary part of the podium along with spraying champagne and instagramming the assembled throngs below. Vettel it must be said is handling the deafening boos with good humour and dignity. But everyone likes to be liked and even with 3 drivers’ titles to his name, it must hurt a bit deep down.



The eyes of an assassin?
The eyes of an assassin?

I’ll hold my hands up. I’ve made a lot of despairing comments in recent blogs about the dominance of Vettel and generally praying for Anyone But Vettel to snatch a win and somehow derail (even temporarily) the Vettel Juggernaut that is seemingly almost out of sight. But there is a whole world of difference between favouring another driver or team and being so unsporting that you can’t even admire brilliance in a driver as supremely talented as Vettel. Do I want him to win the title this year? No. Do I think he is the best driver in F1? No – although it really is so difficult to properly judge given the ridiculous superiority of the Red Bull every single year.

But it would be wrong to slag off the boo-boys without trying to analyse why they boo (aside from the moronic ‘sheep’ fans who always just copy what other fans do). So why all the booing all of a sudden?


Sometimes fans = sheep
Sometimes fans = sheep

Sebastian Vettel is phenomenally successful. Three world titles by the age of 25 is a huge and unparalleled achievement. His almost total domination this season (7 wins in 13 races) has resulted in depriving us of a title race. Unless you are a die-hard Vettel fan this is beyond boring.

But I think the reasons go beyond mere success. Many fans feel he has had it too easy and the genius that is Adrian Newey (with an undoubtedly great team behind him) deserves more of the credit for designing a car every season that is in a class of its own. It isn’t just that Vettel wins but he wins with such crushing dominance that we’re all utterly bored to tears by the end of the race. Even Schuey had to toil for years (experiencing the heart-break of narrowly losing out on two titles) in the wilderness at Ferrari before experiencing success. His uncomplaining loyalty and dedication in helping restore Ferrari fortunes earned him the respect of many.

Obviously the car isn’t everything. It isn’t quite as simple as saying ‘stick Narain Karthitheyan in the Red Bull and even he would win’ because…er…hello…Mark Webber (who isn’t too shabby a driver but has not come remotely close to winning a title). The real question is would Alonso or Hamilton in a Red Bull be faster than Vettel? We shall never know.

images


And talking of Mark Webber, the whole multi-21 incident where Vettel screwed his team-mate (one of the most likable guys on the grid)  and disobeyed team orders to overtake him and win the race possibly did the most damage to Brand Vettel. He revealed to the world a cold and ruthless side that seemed in sharp contrast to Seb’s (dare I say it carefully cultivated) smiley, chilled and funny guy image. You know what? Drivers don’t win 3 titles in a row without having a core of inner steel. For Senna, for Prost, for Schumacher, winning was everything. Still in the hysterical social media age, Vettel certainly tarnished his reputation and post-Schumacher the press, media and some fans need a villain of the piece. Interestingly before this year I do not remember anyone booing Vettel.

So those are the main reasons I can think of. But it is still utterly ridiculous to boo a guy for NO reason who has won a race fair and square. Booing the Malaysian podium (the multi-21 race) would be arguably understandable and other low points in F1 history such as Austria and indeed Monza (where it is de rigeur to boo non-Ferrari drivers) but it is getting seriously out of control now. When a new drama hits F1 or indeed we get a race with any drama or a non-Vettel podium to break the booing cycle it will fade away soon enough.



Korea's greatest export.
Korea's greatest export

So next up it is the Korean Grand Prix. Could that sentence be anymore harrowing? It is my least favourite track of the season with NO redeemable features or to quote the husband, it is a sterile shiteheap. So a blood and thunder race with multi-car pile ups, safety cars and a stunning win for Giedo van der Garde from the back of the grid then!!!

But before then I am off to see Rush on next Tuesday. I Am Beyond Excited. The upside is I will be immersed into a glorious age of F1 where racing was insane, dangerous and ridiculously, beautifully quixotic for two hours. The downside is the Korean GP follows 5 days later. I may have to mainline coffee and hypnotise myself back into a world of Chris Hemsworth. Sorry I mean James Hunt.


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Saturday 21 September 2013

Singapore Grand Prix – Qualifying

Singapore. A dizzying blur of cars. Just keep drinking!
Singapore. A dizzying blur of cars. Just keep drinking.

What is that saying? Its not so much the despair that kills you but the hope. Its often quoted by the husband, the original doomlord. I just googled to see where that quote came from and it was John Cleese in the sublime movie, Clockwise. That is so the husband. I love it.



“It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand" - Brian Stimpson, Clockwise
"Its not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. Its the hope I can't stand" - Brian Stimpson in Clockwise

Well we should be a-o-kay in Singapore as I have literally ZERO expectation that we will have any form of excitement or drama. And if another former driver/pundit tells me that Singapore is a stunning track and race weekends are freaking awesome I will set my bees’ nest on them. Yes we have an actual bees’ nest in our recently moved into house which is a pleasant discovery given I hate bees and I hate honey.

So expect lots of endless, over the top hype about how exciting and thrilling night-time races are…what an electric atmosphere there is at the track…yadda yadda. I suspect one of the reasons the atmosphere is so good is that the uber rich locals, dignatories and expats who go along have been quaffing magnums of Bolly all day (waves to Roger!) and might be more excited about seeing the Killers gig than Vettel screeching off into the distance never to be seen again by the first corner. I wouldn’t say no to a Singapore GP jolly (obviously) but watching it on TV is Unadulterated Dullsville.

The Killers are performing at this year's Singapore GP. Last year it was Justin Bieber. The horror.
The Killers are performing at this year's Singapore GP. Last year it was Justin Bieber. The horror.

The build-up on Sky was ahem a little on the dry side but the husband sat enraptured during the ‘new engines for next year’ feature.  If you’re really lucky, I’ll ask him to guest-blog over the winter with his memories of turbos first time round. Actually he has just corrected me to say he doesn’t remember turbos first round because that was in the 1930s. Insert joke here.

All hail the return of turbos. The engines that like to explode!
All hail the return of turbos. The engines like that to explode!

So what happened in Q1?

With the clock ticking down to 3 seconds, Perez had yet to set a time. The husband helpfully told me that Keke had gone fastest. Bless. Under a minute to go and Hamilton, Button, Alonso were 1-2-3 and Massa was in the Dropzone of Doom.

And Giedo van der Garde hit the wall. For the second time this weekend. Aiming for a hat-trick on race day perhaps?

Massa at the death squeaked into Q2 so OUT of qualifying went Di Resta, Maldonado, Pic, van der Garde, Bianchi and Chilton.

So Di Resta has gone out of Q1 for the 5th time in the last 8 races. Future Ferrari driver? Nah. There was a huge post-mortem into Di Resta’s collapse in form with Damon saying loyally “there’s always the race”. Er I doubt it, not on a street circuit where there is squat diddly chance of overtaking unless you’re blessed with a Senna-esque ability to find margins on tracks that elude others. To point out the bloody obvious, this would not include Di Resta. Ah we have a Di Resta interview. Shall we have a sweepstake who he will blame? My money is on the team (excluding his good self). The husband thinks he will do a mea culpa and take the blame himself. Hahaha. Ah gold star for me – it is of course the team’s fault – he admitted he was struggling a bit more over one lap compared to Sutil, his team-mate, but his long runs are “in a completely different league”. Er that would be League Two at best, Paul. Humble and team-player would not be words synonymous with Paul Di Resta or indeed likable.

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Kimi apparently has a bad back. Make of that what you will. Eric Bouillier was interviewed and sounded like a broken man. I’m sure he’s a lovely chap but he doesn’t really cut it for me as a team principal.

Eric Bouillier. Team bosses shouldn't be this cuddly. See Ron Dennis, Frank Williams etc.
Eric Bouillier. Can't think of a single witty comment.

Meanwhile the husband is busy distracting me with an endless stream of apparently dramatic football results. Various teams managed by Alan Pardew or formerly managed by Alan Pardew have lost. Also Chelsea are failing to win again. Edit: To spite me Chelsea of course won 2-0 but hey losing to Basle at home. How we laughed. The Return of the Special One isn’t looking so special. Never go back they say. <Remembers Kimi is going to Ferrari next year> Bugger.

The Second Coming: Do they work? Discuss.
The Second Coming: do they work? Discuss.

Just remembered that Q2 was well underway. Ooops. The Mercedes topped the timesheets, only because the Red Bulls hadn’t deigned to make an appearance yet but not for long as they exited the pits. In the blink of an eye, normal service was resumed with Vettel and Webber taking 1-2. For reasons best known to McLaren, Button and Perez left it very late to come out and set a time. Kimi just missed out (again – dear oh dear) on Q3. And Button just scraped into the top ten as Ron Dennis menacingly watched proceedings at trackside. No one does menacing quite like Uncle Ron.

Dumped out of Q2 were: 11. Hulkenberg 12. Vergne 13. Raikkonen 14. Perez 15. Sutil 16. Bottas.

And so to the Hedonistic Extravaganza of the Top Ten Shoot Out. Apologies, I am in a right sarky mood today. The initial top 5 times were set by Vettel, Rosberg, Webber, Hamilton and Grosjean. So where were Ferrari? It appeared we had the usual Q3 shite of drivers just doing outlaps and conserving tyres for tomorrow’s race. I don’t blame the teams for trying to extract every possible advantage that they’re legitimately able to but this format is utterly crud especially for the fans and spectators except for those who already are seeing the cars double through their champagne goggles and good luck to them!

Is this possibly The Most Boring Qualifying Ever? Remember when Senna, Prost and Mansell would screech out of the pits with a minute to go and it would be all-out war on the track to see who could snatch pole (usually Senna). Nico split the Red Bulls to take second, Hamilton could only get 5th and Grosjean took 3rd which was in all fairness a superb achievement.

So (weariest of weary sighs), Vettel is on pole. Again. Brundle ruefully remarked he could be world champion one day. The husband quipped “what like tomorrow”. Its not funny.

The grid for tomorrow:
  1. Vettel

  2. Rosberg

  3. Grosjean

  4. Webber

  5. Hamilton

  6. Massa

  7. Alonso

  8. Button

  9. Ricciardo

  10. Gutierrez
I can barely wait*. But hey the track is visually stunning so that’s all good. Well you never know, Grosjean is third so anything could happen. Right off to find out what the husband will be making tomorrow to entertain my blogging audience! Either that or I’ll blog about Clockwise.

*this is a lie

Singapore. Show us what you got.
Singapore. Show us what you got.

Wednesday 18 September 2013

Kimi: Return of the Prodigal Son?

Team Scuderia 2014
Team Scuderia 2014

You know what they say – never go back. Still Kimi Raikkonen isn’t the kind of guy who would give a stuff what anyone else thinks. And so last Wednesday, Ferrari confirmed the worst kept secret in F1, they are bringing Raikkonen back to Maranello next season to partner Fernando Alonso.

Lets cast our minds back to Kimi’s Ferrari Years Part 1, 2007-2009. Two years after winning the drivers’ world title in 2007, Ferrari paid off Kimi to leave the team one year early to bring in their next big star, one Fernando Alonso. Its safe to say Kimi might have a point to prove next year.


Kimi at Ferrari, first time round
Kimi tasting glory at Ferrari first time round.

Luca di Montezemolo in one of his gnomic pronounciations earlier in the year said he didn’t want to have two roosters in the same hen house when musing upon the possibility of Vettel joining Alonso at Ferrari. While Kimi may have a couple less titles to his name, he is nonetheless a member of that inner sanctum of still-racing former F1 world champions. So di Montezemolo has had a volte-face of fairly epic proportions but hey there’s nothing like not winning a world title for 5 years (and counting...) to focus the mind.


Can you have too many roosters in the hen house?
Can you have too many roosters in a hen house?

The Alonso-Massa pairing has followed the tried and tested Ferrari model of supremely dominant number one driver (see Schumacher) with all-round nice guy compliant number two driver who generally hails from Brazil (see Barrichello). Possibly because the current Ferrari line-up has yielded a Big Fat Zero Championships, the suits at Maranello have decreed that its time to move to a different approach. They will be hoping that Raikkonen’s greater natural talent and competitiveness will bring out the best in both drivers. See Prost and Senna at McLaren, 1988.

Two roosters. 15 of 16 race wins. Not bad.
Two roosters. 15 out of 16 race wins. Not bad.

The one obvious flaw in their master-plan is that Vettel will (and I may be doing Daniel Ricciardo a great disservice) have a fairly lightweight and just-thankful-to-be-there team mate who I suspect will not provide the sternest of tests to Vettel on race day. So there is the huge risk that while Alonso and Kimi fight like tigers on track and split points between themselves, Vettel will in fact do what is known in the trade as ‘a Raikkonen’. Kimi won the title in 2007 partly because McLaren imploded after months of psychological warfare between their drivers (Alonso and then F1 rookie, Lewis Hamilton), partly because Kimi had the benefit of a helpful team-mate in Massa and partly because he is an audaciously talented driver (who actually won more races than Alonso and Hamilton in 2007).


Lewis and Fernando, before it all imploded at McLaren
Lewis and Fernando. A match made in hell.

One must spare a thought for Lotus who are losing their marquee signing in Raikkonen. They posted a tweet commenting on Kimi’s move to Ferrari saying “it hurts a little bit” with a picture of two mating rabbits. Next up for the Singapore GP, they have chosen #EveryoneHurts as the trending hashtag. I might have made that last bit up. Will this be the end of Mini Kimi? I was very fond of Mini Kimi and although I love the irreverant and interactive nature of the Lotus twitter feed, just occasionally (whisper it quietly) it came across that they ever so slightly hero-worshipped Kimi. Yep it probably really does hurt.


Will Mini Kimi get some new red overalls next season?
Will Mini Kimi get some new red overalls next season?

And what does Fernando Alonso make of it all? The last time he raced with a team-mate on an equal footing there was all-out civil war. As Ron Dennis (then team principal of McLaren) remarked at the time “we weren’t racing Kimi, we were basically racing Fernando”. Admittedly that was a long time ago but notably since then Alonso hasn’t won any more titles and aged 32 he knows that time is probably beginning to run out. It will be hard to relinquish out-and-out numero uno status at a team after so many years. Most tellingly it has been rumoured that Alonso is very unhappy about the decision. Throw into the mix the turbulent relations between Alonso and Ferrari this season after his open criticism of the car a few races back and it’s a pretty combustible mix of ingredients.


2014 is a make or break season for Alonso at Ferrari (IMHO)
2014 is a make or break season for Alonso at Ferrari

Michael Schumacher has predicted fireworks at Ferrari next season and he is uniquely placed to comment on Ferrari. Indeed we will be saturated with fire and ice references until our eyes bleed. It may well all end in tears but one thing is for sure, having Kimi back in the saddle of the prancing horse will not be dull.


In so many ways, Kimi was born to drive for Ferrari!
In so many ways, Kimi was born to drive for Ferrari

Sunday 15 September 2013

Italian Grand Prix – The Race

The Monza podium (there may have been some boos!)
The Monza podium (there may have been some boos!)

Okay I admit it, the thought of reliving last Sunday’s Dull-O-Rama race at Monza hasn’t spurred me into finishing my blog. But the Catholic guilt gnawing away at me coupled with being unexpectedly home alone on a Sunday evening has finally forced my hand.

So here is the story of the Italian Grand Prix…and slightly incongrously it is in live-blogging style (pretty much as I watched the race unfold) because I really don’t have the energy to rewrite it all now.

Well I fear the highlight of the 2013 Italian Grand Prix could well be Damon Hill and Johnny Herbert cruising around on a scooter. What a STUPENDOUS trip down memory lane. Quietly sobs for the old days in yet another sign of my advancing years.


A trip down memory lane as inspired by Damon and Johnny.
A trip down memory lane as inspired by Damon and Johnny

BUT WAIT. WHAT IS THIS? People are holding umbrellas. Maybe just maybe the fabled Spa weather decided to save itself for Italy instead. You never know it is just possible that Anyone But Vettel might have an outside chance of winning this race. Of course having written that now, we are doomed to the inevitable crushing Vettel win. The husband appears to think so as he has decided while watching the race to help the 6 year old make a wooden submarine which appears to have several thousand parts. Photo to follow. Or possibly a visit to A&E given the accident-prone husband is picking at bits of wood with a knife.

#MartinsGridWalk. Please, please find Rowan Atkinson on the grid.


Why no interview with Mr Bean? The 6 year old was disconsolate.
Why no interview with Mr Bean? The 6 year old was disconsolate.

First up to be Brundled is Paul Hembury: Some of the circuit is wet but it is drying quickly. Can’t predict the changeover point between inters, slicks and wets. Could be a very interesting opening few laps.

Next up its Gary someone. They had a chat about the white line situation. Its okay to leave the track but not to gain an advantage. Turns out Gary is the chief steward. I’ll place a bet now that not all the drivers will listen to Gary. Looks long and hard at Grosjean and Maldonado.

Nico Hulkenberg told us the track was pretty much dry and slicks would be fine. Brundle thinks Nico would be a good option for Ferrari to consider. Is that a hint or just an opinion?

Edit: Probably just an opinion as Ferrari have announced that KIMI is partnering Alonso next year. When I told the 6 year old he said “you are lying”. Yet to determine whether he thinks this is a good or bad thing. I shall report back.

Its Jean Todt, the cuddly modern day Richelieu. He doesn’t mind that he has a challenger to the FIA presidency. Yeh right. He really enjoys being president as he likes the idea of power giving something back. Yeh right.


He might look cuddly but mess with Jean Todt at your peril.
He might look cuddly but mess with Jean Todt at your peril.

Oh a Royal Random Celebrity at a Race. Its Zara Phillips with Jackie Stewart. Zara will do well to get a word in edgeways there. Zara would like Mark Webber to win. Wrong answer love given who you are standing next to.

Time For the Start and Go Go Go...! Webber had a highly un-Webber like good start but still just got squeezed out by Massa. Meanwhile Di Resta retired almost instantly after locking up and crashing into Sutil/Grosjean. Taxi for Paul.

Kimi pitted at the end of the first lap. Boo. And some incredible live in-car footage of Alonso taking Webber on the outside. Imagined thought process of Mark Webber ‘defend, defend…oh its Fernando…come on through and hunt that bastard down’. Meanwhile Rob Smedley was telling Massa over the radio to concentrate on his race. Presumably until Alonso appears in his mirrors and then its business as usual.


Rob Smedley who might be moving to Williams next year. Allegedly.
Rob Smedley might be moving to Williams next year.

Oh and Alonso easily overtook Massa in the least surprising development in Formula 1 since Alonso easily overtook Massa in some other races. Team radio to Vettel – they are monitoring the ‘right front’ at all times and they know it is not good. Oooooh this race might have just got interesting. Ish.

The stewards are investigating a collision between Di Resta and Grosjean after the race. Paul admitted it was his fault to be fair so that looks like a slam-dunk penalty. Its all gone a bit Pete Tong for Di Resta in the last few races. Lewis has been told to pit due to a slow puncture. But bizarrely he is not pitting – could be that his radio is still playing up as it was earlier in the race but anyway time for an old-style pitboard to haul Lewis into the pits.

Submarine latest: The wooden submarine is progressing nicely, mainly because the husband has taken over as the 6 year old has left the room.

Jean-Eric Vergne has STOPPED. Engine failure. Raikkonen from last is now running in 16th place. Not that the race was moderately dull (much) but Brundle had a lengthy monologue on what Alonso could do to win without driving a car designed by Adrian Newey. This is presumably what Alonso has been asking himself on a daily basis.


Adrian Newey in relaxed pose.
Adrian Newey at rest.

Good news for Vettel fans – the tyre has sorted itself out and they are in the one-stop window. Oh that is good news. Shoots myself.

Lots of pitstops. No more rain. Its fair to say the race now entered a Boring Phase.

Submarine latest: It is almost finished and the husband has not severed a finger yet. Amazeballs. God I’m really sorry for using that word.

Vettel told to pit. Say the usual novenas for a myriad of Potential Pit Incidents to strike Red Bull. As usual a flawless pitstop that sees Vettel emerge back on track ahead of Kimi. So Alonso leads the race but without having pitted. At the top order at the half-way point was:

  1. Alonso

  2. Vettel

  3. Gutierrez

  4. Webber

  5. Massa

  6. Raikkonen

Lap 28 and Alonso pits. Sure enough he rejoins in 2nd place as filler in the Red Bull sandwich.

Submarine update: There has been a hitch of some description and the husband has started to swear.

Hamilton and Hulkenberg are having a great dog-eat-dog battle that won’t at all chow Lewis’s tyres and mess up his race. Ahem. Anyhow he’s now up to 5th but will probably have to stop again. Interview with Martin Whitmarsh who sounded suicidal then I might have accidentally pressed the fast-forward button. Hamilton pits again on lap 39 after yet again doing the fastest lap of the race. I hope someone is keeping a close eye on Martin Whitmarsh.

Submarine update: It is now finished. Ha! Now the husband will be forced to watch the race after all. No apparently not. He is too busy photographing his prized creation which the 2 year old will probably tread on and break tomorrow.


The Submarine as lovingly crafted by the husband.
The submarine lovingly crafted by the husband. There are 20 odd pictures that need hanging in our new house but hey we have one of these.

Alonso and Webber are battling hard for second place. Crofty tells us there is no battle for the lead. Like anyone would be stupid enough to expect that. But we hear there is continuing gearbox trouble for Red Bull. Crofty spontaneously combusts as Hamilton overtakes Sutil for 12th place. They tell us the race isn’t over by any stretch and Brundle appeals forlornly for the boys to give us a race. Has Vettel won yet do we know? We haven’t seen him for about 2 hours.

I estimate that Crofty spontaneously combusts at least 5 times a race.
I estimate that Crofty spontaneously combusts at least 5 times a race.

Despite the fact that Webber’s gearbox isn’t even working properly he is still reeling in Alonso. This is what you are up against when you do not drive an Adrian Newey designed car.

Lap 49 and Hamilton takes Kimi for 11th. That was actually a bit more exciting than it sounded. Next to gobble up for Lewis was Perez and then Button. And all of a sudden it’s the final lap. Thank the Lord.

And so it came to pass as we all knew it would. Sebastian Vettel wins the Italian Grand Prix. Adrian Newey is crying tears of happiness. Lots of man hugs all round between Adrian and Sebastian.

Here are the results from the Italian Grand Prix 2013:

  1. Vettel – Just light years ahead of anyone else in his untouchable Red Bull. Again.

  2. Alonso – The best anyone can hope for these days seemingly is to finish 2nd.

  3. Webber – His first podium at Monza. A nice way to bow out in Italy.

  4. Massa – A good outing in front of the Tifosi and who knows where he would have finished but for the inevitable team orders.

  5. Hulkenberg – A very creditable and mature drive. Did anyone else find it odd that Vettel was surprised the Hulk finished 5th.

And so the current driver standings are Vettel with 222 points and Alonso with 169 points. Bets please at which race Vettel will win the world championship? I say Suzuka. You could be forgiven for forgetting we still have SEVEN races to go.


Singapore. Will Anyone But Vettel triumph?
Singapore. Will Anyone But Vettel triumph?

Saturday 7 September 2013

Italian Grand Prix - Qualifying

Monza
Monza. The Temple of Speed.

A magnificent track that is so deeply embedded in the history of Formula 1 since its very inception in 1950, it must forever stay on the F1 calendar. All the drivers want to win at Monza. Granted the modern circuit has lost the sweeping high banking that made for such breaktaking racing at Italian GPs of old but the long straights, high-speed corners and pure raw speed we see at Monza are unparalleled anywhere else in F1.

But first something wonderful. An interview with the great Michael Schumacher on BBC before qualifying. I have slated BBC in the past for their constant digs and sniping at Schumacher over the years (although in all fairness most of this came from the not knowingly bitter David Coulthard in the commentary box) but enormous kudos to them for remembering that Schumacher still exists. Interestingly they timed the interview to air before Monza, adopted home of the Tifosi. To remember Michael properly is to remember him in a blaze of red sweeping to victory. I am FOREVER privileged to have seen Schumacher win in Monaco.



Michael. The Greatest.
Michael. The Greatest.

A whole host of celebrities and former drivers are in town. Rowan Atkinson, Zara Phillips, Jean Alesi (literally he has not aged a day since he was driving in F1) and Gerhard Berger. Well that gives Brundle much more to work with for the hallowed Gridwalk than trying to interview a random Marussia mechanic!


Gerhard and Ayrton, a different era.
Gerhard and Ayrton, a different era.

And no pressure much for Ferrari this weekend. Their season has pretty much imploded, grandstands packed to the rafters of fanatical, crazed Tifosi and the very visible presence of the Boss From Hell, Luca di Montezemolo. Maybe I’m being harsh and knives do in fact work well as a motivational tool. Still a BIG weekend for Fernando Alonso before all those boring races in the Far East that Vettel always seems to tediously win.

So without further ago, lets crack on with the events of qualifying.

Q1 – In a nutshell (apologies for the brevity but most of Q1 was spent supervising the 2 year’s potty training which in many respects might shade Q1 for entertainment).

OUT went 17) Gutierrez 18) Bottas 19) Van der Garde 20) Pic 21) Bianchi 22) Chilton and INTO Q2 went everyone else.

Q2 – Squeaky Bum Time time for Button, Hamilton, Grosjean and Hamilton both languishing in the dropzone of doom with seconds to go. And in a massive shock or twist or whatever, out of the top ten shoot-out were BOTH Lotuses and Lewis Hamilton. Un-frigging-believable. Either the Lotus is not handling well at Monza or both Kimi and Grosjean had shockers. Endless Sky forensic analysis indicated that Hamilton was blocked by Sutil. But he had also made a mistake on an earlier lap running wide at the Parabolica so not all the blame can be shovelled at Sutil’s door. And in all fairness, Lewis was blaming himself first and foremost.


Lewis Hamilton in pensive mood.
Lewis Hamilton in pensive mood.

So OUT after Q2 were 11) Raikkonen 12) Hamilton 13) Grosjean 14) Sutil 15) Maldonado 16) Di Resta.

Not too surprisingly Hamilton was a dark, brooding place when interviewed afterwards. “I just drove like an idiot. That's the worst I've driven for a long, long time. I'm sorry to the team.” Someone please give Lewis a hug.

Lauda looked similarly broken in the Mercedes garage. Cheer up, Niki, not many F1 drivers have had their career so brilliantly portrayed on the silver screen as currently is the case in Ron Howard’s epic film, Rush. I am BEYOND excited at seeing this film. Six days to go until its release. It’s a movie about Formula 1. Set in the 1970s. Specifically 1976, one of the most astonishing and dramatic seasons ever in F1. James Hunt played by Chris Hemsworth (so on The List), the ridiculously talented Daniel Brühl as Niki Lauda. What is there not to love?


Rush: the movie I have been waiting for all year!
Rush: the movie I have been waiting for all year!

Q3 – Vettel, Webber, Alonso, Ricciardo, Massa and Rosberg were the only six to set a time with one minute to go. Ferrari’s cunning idea was to give Alonso every possible advantage in qualifying at their home grand prix was to position him in Massa’s slipstream and use the extra tow on the long straights to buy those crucial extra nano-tenths of seconds. Not only did Massa not play ball but to add insult to grievous injury he had the temerity to out qualify Alonso. People have swung for less. Alonso yelled over the radio at his team “Massa is too far away” and depending on your interpretation he followed that up with “you’re really idiots…Mamma Mia guys”. According to the Ferrari press office instruction to Alonso he simply sarcastically called them ‘geniuses’. Perhaps something was lost in translation or the s h i t is really hitting the fan at Maranello these days.

Anyhoo, clearly Felipe did not read the script. Or maybe he did and thought ah feck it, they’re going to sack me anyway I’ll just go for it regardless. Apparently the Ferrari press office were letting it be known after qualifying not to approach Di Montezemolo for interviews. But you know what Luca, if that kind of risky slipstream tactic is what you’re reduced to then its pretty desperate stuff especially considering the budget of gazillions you have at Ferrari.


This vice-like grip means you will smile for the cameras, Fernando...okay?
This vice-like grip means you will smile for the cameras, Fernando. Ok?

But lets not overlook the brilliant performance by Hulkenberg to qualify 3rd on the grid, ahead of both Ferraris. A truly stunning achievement and some top teams could do FAR worse than take a close look at the Hulk for a seat next year. But I’ve been saying that for years.

Well done to the uber-smart 6 year old who predicted Vettel and Webber would be 1-2 on the grid. In all fairness even the 2 year old probably would have predicted Vettel would get pole such is the soul-destroying dominance of the young man from Heppenheim.


Another pole, another finger. Bored already.
Another pole. Another finger. Bored already.

So the top order of the grid lines up tomorrow as follows. The husband thinks there might be a ‘gear box change’ (nudge nudge wink wink) for Felipe Massa overnight. What an outrageous suggestion.

  1. Vettel

  2. Webber

  3. Hulkenberg

  4. Massa

  5. Alonso

  6. Rosberg

  7. Ricciardo

  8. Perez

  9. Button

  10. Vergne

Not writing off Monza but the current in-form fastest driver in the fastest car at the fastest track has got pole. It doesn’t bode well but in Formula 1 you never know what can happen.