Wednesday 27 June 2012

Valencia GP - The Race


Credit: The 4 year old (from this week's School Diary)

Once in a while a race comes along that makes you realise why Formula 1 is the Greatest Show in the World. All hail the Valencia Grand Prix of 2012.

Given the previous snoozefests brought to us by Valencia, those are not words that I expected to be writing but this race was simply awesome from start to finish and immediately has catapaulted into one of my Favourite Races of All Time and incredibly no rain was involved which is normally the backdrop to a Truly Great Race.

Before I get too carried away (but I promise nothing and indeed the husband has already expressed some nervousness about the likely hysteria levels of this blog), I should first apologise for the complete lack of a qualifying blog. I’m frantically searching for a really good reason but the boring truth of the matter is that I was out most of Saturday, then had yet more enforced football watching in the evening and then the husband was at work all day on Sunday. As I dropped him off at the station (even I felt sorry for him being the only commuter – who in the name of insanity organises a strategy day on a Sunday in June!?) he casually remarked “I bet it will be a cracking race today”. Obviously because I know so much about F1, I shot him down in flames. I should have known that in this mad old season, nothing is as you would expect. Anyway I’ve done my sympathetic bit (it doesn’t come naturally as the husband well knows) and the great thing is the husband can read my blog and relive the magic of the race. Well sort of.

I did actually make some notes during the real-live qualifying on Saturday but helpfully Sky did a recap of qualifying just before the race (along with several hundred other recaps of various things) so I thought I could just neatly summarise the…er…recap and we can all pretend that I properly covered qualifying after all. What is important to note here though is that what happened in qualifying actually bears no resemblance to who finished where in the race.

Luca Di Montezemolo - He was really cross after qualifying
(Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

So here is a summary of qualifying in bullet-point form (you can tell what job I did in a former life can’t you?):

·  Timo Glock had food poisoning so didn’t take part. Ah well.

·  HRT had qualified ahead of Marussia. Lets hear it for Narain (and team-mate) for not being the slowest people on the grid!
·  Mark Webber went out in Q1 for no good reason.
·  Kovalainen started 16th. This is amazing as he drives a Caterham.
·  Ferrari massively screwed up by gambling that one set of softs would be enough to get into the top ten. Alonso started in 11th place and Massa in 13th. Worst of all was that Di Montezemolo had graced Valencia with a personal audience and was looking thunderous at the end of qualifying.
·  Schumacher was in 12th place, nestled in between the Ferraris.
·  Both Force India’s made it into the top ten.
·  Button was 9th which was a bit rubbish.
·  The two Lotus cars qualified in 4th and 5th and were looking very fast.
·  Nico Rosberg started 6th but was held up by Lewis Hamilton on the last corner of the outlap. Mercedes were very annoyed, went to the stewards to complain but Lewis was found Not Guilty.
·  Maldonaldo qualifed in 3rd. There was general amazement about this.
·  Vettel was on pole by 4/10ths of a second over Lewis Hamilton who was in 2nd place. In contrast, only 6/10ths covered P2 to P10. Vettel’s car has lots of new bits and pieces like a new exhaust and a new bodywork package. I’m saying nothing except Adrian Newey was doing a LOT of scribbling in his Top Secret Pad on the pitlane in Canada. Vettel at the age of 24 has equalled Prost’s number of pole positions and he is about as fun to watch. I don’t mean this in a good way.
·  So there were seven different teams in the top ten. This generally got people very excited and hopeful of a good race but even Brundle wasn’t going wild for the prospect of a Great Race. But hey, we can all get it wrong!

Hurrah that’s all sorted and now onto the race. I should explain that I ended up watching on Sky, even though lovely Jake Humphrey was back on the Beeb, due to the fact that the BBC coverage had failed to record as there was a clash with Four in a Bed. That probably reveals a lot about our not-so-highbrow televisual habits during the week.

So we had a line-up of Simon Lazenby-Thing (still apparently in a job), Martin Brundle, Johnny Herbert and the charisma-bypass zone that is Nick Heidfeld. He might be a lovely chap but he has the most boring voice I have ever heard in an F1 pitlane since Mika Hakkinen and at least Mika was mainly driving cars so we didn’t get to listen to him much. What’s the betting though Mika pops up in a future race seeing as Sky’s New Idea is to bring back a former F1 driver who isn’t doing much nowadays as a guest pundit.

We were shown some old footage of the 1999 European GP at Nürburgring which was a totally mental race, full of crashes and constant drama in torrential conditions. Johnny Herbert won for Stewart GP in the team’s one and only race win. I remember watching that race massively jetlagged in South Africa while lots of alpha male types were incredulous that a woman knew anything at all about Formula 1. Happy days.

Johnny Herbert driving for Stewart GP
(Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Next up, the obligatory quick interview with Christian Horner who had presumably hunted down the Sky cameras while we were reliving classic Nürburgring moments, then a surprisingly entertaining feature on McLaren (oh the irony) training the Sky Sports team to do a pitstop. By the end, the Sky team had got it down to 6 seconds. Worth remembering that small nugget of information.


Brundle working The Grid

So time for ♯MartinsGridWalk. It started a bit shakily as none of the cars were on the grid, then Martin and his camera crew had to try and avoid getting run over as the cars slowly made their way onto the grid. We found out that Massa appeared to have a person who held his sunglasses for him (or maybe that was Martin being droll) – I think he interviewed Felipe but I can’t remember what was said. It wasn’t important anyway. Button was in conversation with someone whose name was apparently Mikey Muscles (not sure if Mikey is an Official Sunglasses Carrier or does something more important). There was a very amusing interchange between Button and Brundle. Jenson asked Brundle about Le Mans (which he took part in the previous weekend) and remarked to Brundle how fast the young kids all are these days. To which Brundle made a comment to Jenson being ‘out of position because he didn’t get the job done in qualifying’. Time out guys.

Then Martin ran into his old friend, Tanja from German TV – I noted he wasn’t sarcastic to her! He managed a very quick word with Pastor Maldonaldo which might have been longer but Pastor needed the toilet and Martin gave him quite detailed directions to the nearest one. Pastor actually seemed quite grateful but I think he had forgotten he was still on live TV. Oh dear. Quick chats then with Kamui Kobayashi who seemed quite animated and excited by his own laconic standards and then a word with Ross Brawn. If you’re ever playing or devising F1 bingo, make sure you plump for a Ross Brawn comment on tyre degradation. He never fails!

Slightly disturbing shot of what appeared to be Bernie talking to Massa by pinning him (Massa being pinned, not the other way round!) up against the wall. We never got to the bottom of that but perhaps Massa’s Official Sunglasses Carrier took the wrong sunglasses by mistake.  As the seconds ticked down to the start, we saw lots of wannabe WAG types in bikinis standing in a swimming pool with a phenomenal view of the circuit. There is no justice in the world.

Time For the Start and Go Go Go...! Vettel, Hamilton and Grosjean all had amazing starts but especially Vettel which was potentially ominous. Maldonaldo slithered backwards and was squeezed out by Kimi, then Grosjean. Alonso had a stupendous start and had rocketed up into 8th position by the end of lap 1.

By lap 2, Vettel had pulled out a 2.2 second lead over Lewis in 2nd place. By lap 3, his lead had increased to 4 seconds. I was already praying for a mechanical fault or tyre delamination on Vettel’s car (in a totally non-dangerous way of course) otherwise this could be the most boring race ever. As is the way in Valencia…usually. Grosjean was rapidly catching Lewis and Kimi was having a massive scrap with Maldonaldo which for my money had Imminent Crash Followed By Safety Car written all over it. Meanwhile, Rosberg had plummeted down to 11th place and Schuey was still pootling around in 12th spot.

We had 1000s of replays of the start all of which (strangly enough) confirmed the above. All the meanwhile, Vettel was opening up a whopping lead which by lap 4 was 6.6 seconds. It wasn’t helping that Lewis was really holding up Grosjean (odd to think it was that way round but there you go). Just as I was thinking to myself that Lewis wasn’t having a good race, Radio McLaren told him he was doing a great job. I know Lewis is a bit fragile but like the rest of us he presumably could see Grosjean right on his tail and that the guy in front of him was…er…nowhere to be seen.

Vettel's car looked something like this

There was a blur of Sebastian Vettel Fastest Laps™ before I was jogged back into consciousness by a collision between Narain Karthikeyan and Charles Pic as they battled for 22nd place. That’s commitment for you.

By lap 10, Vettel had opened up a 10 second lead and the following lap, Grosjean put a stunning move on Lewis Hamilton to pass him on the outside. We all hoped now it was Game On but depressingly Vettel just kept extending his lead. New exhaust and bodywork you say? Had Newey inserted some kind of missile underneath it or what?! First into the pits was Button and Perez but they were languishing so far down no one really cared where they came out. Finally Kimi got past Maldonaldo in another great overtaking move. We salute Lotus and their brilliant, cavalier drivers who like to overtake!

Alonso meanwhile had overtaken Hulkenberg and Maldonaldo which meant by lap 15, he was now in 3rd place (without having pitted). Lewis came into the pits and incredibly nothing went wrong. We were told that Sam Michael at McLaren had promised the pit crew a round of beers if they did a good job although they did send Lewis back out into traffic so maybe the Pitstop Strategy person might only get an orange juice.


The lovely Nicole - she wears a lot of straw hats. I'm saying nothing.

Stop Press – we had a Straw Hat on the track (its hard to write those words without mentally saying them in a ‘Bryn from Gavin and Stacey’ voice). Anyway, it didn’t last long once Kimi and Maldonaldo’s cars had given Straw Hat the 200 miles an hour treatment.  

There were lots and lots of pitstops in rapid succession including Alonso who dived in and rejoined in 9th place. It didn’t seem that amazing a track position but since starting this blog, I have realised its always worth keeping track of where Fernando is. Honestly not meant to be a spoiler but I guess it kind of is!

Vettel came into the pits and tediously re-emerged back into the lead. In the words of Martin Brundle, he was looking a “very, very good prospect”. The 4 year old got temporarily excited to see Schuey was in 6th place, as did I until I realised he had not yet pitted. Blast it.  And to boot, Michael was causing something of a traffic jam as dozens of cars were piled up behind him. He defended his position brilliantly from Alonso for a while but eventually had to yield and let the Ferrari pass.

On lap 20, Schuey and Webber pitted which I remember feeling quite relieved as it was getting very congested out there and I couldn’t take another race where some nutter crashed into Schuey.

Time for our next incident (told you this was a corker of a race and, folks, this is the tip of the iceberg!) and it involved Senna and Kobayashi (two very likely candidates). They had a coming together after Senna didn’t spot Kamui coming up on the inside, resulting in a spectacular spin by the Williams which miraculously missed the wall and several other drivers. Poor old Bruno hobbled back to the pits to patch up the car and then got slapped with a drive through penalty.

Meanwhile, Vettel was still doing fastest laps (this was the one and only boring dimension of the race but in an odd way this only makes what followed even more exciting!) and we were told he was so many seconds or minutes (possibly even hours) in the lead, he could do another stop and still stay out in 1st place. Imagine our joy.

Paul Di Resta eventually pitted on lap 24. I can’t make that sound any more exciting. Sorry! Meanwhile (Smug Portent Alert), I have scribbled in my notes at this point in the race how well it always comes together for Ferrari (well obviously, I mean Alonso) on race day.

Jean-Eric Vergne - Take a bow
(Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
But just as the trophy engraver was finishing the ‘L’ on Sebastian Vettel, we had a Race Changing Crash on lap 28. Who would have thought a couple of backmarkers fighting over 17th place would turn the race on its head. Villain of the hour (or saviour of the race – discuss?), Jean-Eric Vergne suddenly cut across the track and weaved into the Caterham of Kovalainen resulting in both cars picking up punctures and lots of tyre being shredded everywhere. Time for the Safety Car. And bang went Vettel’s 20 second lead in one fell swoop. It wasn’t really fair but then fair can be boring and who wants boring!!

Most of the cars trundled into the pits to get their tyres changed including Lewis Hamilton. Time to crank up the McLaren Pitstop Disastometer and gazooks, it pinged up to 8 after a totally calamitous pitstop which meant that Alonso passed Lewis in the pits. The pitstop took a shocking 14 seconds which is a whole 8 seconds slower than the Sky Sports crew. I’m guessing that order for the round of drinks has been cancelled.

So time to take stock of the running order behind the Safety Car: 1. Vettel, 2. Grosjean, 3. Alonso, 4. Ricciardo (yes, really), 5. Kimi, and 6. Hamilton. After an eternity, the safety car came in on lap 33 and on the restart, Alonso jumped Grosjean to take 2nd place. Romain, my friend, watch and learn from the master. Just as one Ferrari driver displayed his brilliance in front of his home crowd, the other Ferrari driver made contact with Kobayashi and got a puncture. They’ve probably stopped caring what happens to Massa at Ferrari. But then who needs another driver when you have Alonso!

Updated image of Vettel's car

Then A SENSATIONAL DEVELOPMENT (I’ve left Bryn behind and now got the voice of Murray Walker in my head) on lap 34. Vettel was SLOWING and was OUT OF THE RACE. This meant that ALONSO (who qualified in 11th place) was leading the race. Stone the flaming crows. Crofty in the commentary box almost had a seizure and the camera flashed onto Adrian Newey looking utterly devastated. Cheer up Adrian, anyone would think you didn’t still have a driver in the race! Poor Mark Webber, the forgotten man of Red Bull.

Meanwhile, Massa was having a disastrous pitstop (did Ferrari borrow the McLaren crew for a laugh?) where the wrong tyres were put on his car. But never mind hey.

The 4 year old suddenly noticed that Schuey was in 5th place and asked whether five people could be on the podium. Imagine his lunatic celebrations if Schuey ever got on the podium?! As if that would ever happen. Suddenly Maldonaldo was on the charge, taking Webber, Hulkenberg and Di Resta. Clearly Good Driver Maldonaldo was in the house as opposed to Bad Driver Maldonaldo who crashes a lot.

Some bad news filtered through onto our screens. Narain Karthikeyan had been given a drive-through penalty for speeding in the pitlane. On the down-side, this was hardly going to help his race but lets take the positives where we can – he was still at least in the race! Then to the general consternation of the commentators, me and (less so) the 4 year old who merely asked after every single incident ‘is it Schumacher?’, we discovered that Lewis Hamilton was under investigation.

Alonso meantime was doing ‘A Vettel’ and putting in some stunning laptimes while out in front. Then we had A FURTHER SENSATIONAL DEVELOPMENT. On lap 41, Grosjean’s car started slowing down and eventually just stopped. So after losing the driver who was leading the race, now the guy in 2nd place had conked out. So lucky old Lewis moved into 2nd place with Kimi in 3rd and Maldonaldo in 4th place. Just as I was starting to get a bit giddy about Schuey being nicely placed, he promptly pitted from 5th place. Amidst all the chaos (and you ain’t seen nothing yet!), it emerged that somehow, inexplicably, a Caterham, driven by Petrov, had reached the dizzying heights of 10th place. A Caterham might actually get into the points. Complete madness.

Seemingly forgetting that Alonso was in the lead, Radio Lotus were telling Kimi that he could win the race and Radio McLaren was telling Hamilton he could win. So we had three world champions slugging it out with 13 laps to go. The 4 year old and me were firmly rooted to the sofa and not moving for anyone or anything. Perez had woken up and was absolutely flying in 7th place and Schuey was looking very fast. Interesting times.

Time for another collision. I don’t think we’d now had one for a whole 5 laps. This time involving Ricciardo and Petrov. Oooops – goodbye to those precious first points for Caterham. We found out that no further action was being taken against Lewis after the Mysterious Investigation. Lap 50 and Schumacher put a brilliant move on Button to move into 8th place. Webber got in on the action and sneaked past Button who just looked painfully slow. The next victim to be gobbled up by Schuey was Perez, followed by Di Resta. With two laps remaining, Schuey was in 6th place.

Lewis Hamilton (or is it Basil Fawlty?)
Kimi was closing on Hamilton whose tyres had just fallen off the proverbial cliff and he clung on as long as he could but ultimately could not delay the inevitable and Kimi passed him for 2nd place. Next up to have a sniff was Maldonaldo and there was a frantic battle out on track as Lewis desperately tried to keep him behind. Eventually Maldonaldo tried to take Lewis on the outside and after drifting off the track, Lewis refused to budge and let him back on. Result: one McLaren sent hurtling into the barriers and an incandescent Lewis Hamilton who (much in the same way as the 4 year old when playing the Wii) hurled his steering wheel out of the car. I must admit that I initially thought Lewis was as much to blame as Pastor by over-zealously clinging onto his position and adopting a win or bust mentality. But various replays have shown that Maldonaldo was a bit of a muppet although Lewis perhaps should have kept a cooler head. Alain Prost he ain’t.

Despite having my own live-in Schumacher Watch, I had somehow missed the fact that Schumacher was now in THIRD PLACE WITH A LAP TO GO. Previously he had been behind the Hulk as had Webber but now Webber was bearing down on Schumacher. To say there was some tension and screaming in our lounge might be a bit of a understatement. The 4 year old was just repeating everything I was saying which was probably ill-advised but can be roughly translated as ‘go away, Webber, you poo-poo head’. It was like the Longest Lap Ever but surely the racing gods could not deprive Schumacher of a podium with a few corners to go. And they didn’t dare. Crossing the line past the chequered flag was 1. Alonso, 2. Kimi and 3. Schumacher. Is that not the best podium ever?! Old School Podiums Rock.

Rolling back the years!

So here are the results from the Valencia Grand Prix 2012:

1.     Alonso – A truly stunning drive by a supremely talented racing driver. Remember he qualified in 11th place.
2.     Raikkonen – Superb performance (you can see I’m going to run out of superlatives soon).
3.     MICHAEL SCHUMACHER – A brilliant drive and it was absolutely fantastic (and ever so slightly emotional) to see him on the podium again after all these years. The 4 year old was beside himself. We are not worthy.
4.     Webber – Good old Mark. You can always rely on him to deliver a 4th place (and a very useful 12 points). But, he is 2nd place in the drivers championship so who is laughing now?
5.     Hulkenberg – So much of his race passed me by but a very good effort in a Force India.
6.     Rosberg – Kept his head down and did pretty well.

The podium scenes were awesome. All the drivers were deliriously happy to be there although with Kimi it can be hard to tell. There was quite a love-in with the Ferrari Race Engineer (Andrea Stella) who had worked with all three former World Champions on the podium. Word has it that Schuey sung along to the Italian Anthem (force of habit) but the Spanish cameras were firmly fixed on their national hero, Alonso.

What a blinding race although it did shred most of my nervous system along the way! I’m off for a lie-down (it is nearly midnight). Next up in this most brilliant of seasons, it’s the British Grand Prix. I’ll have some valium at the ready.

Wednesday 20 June 2012

Who do you think you are...Stirling Moss?


Hamilton, Alonso and Vettel...a three horse race?



I haven't suddenly catapaulted myself back into the 1950s though the husband does probably dream of another life where the "hi honey, I'm home" is greeted with a gin & tonic, a pristine house and the kids fast asleep in bed. The reality most days is overtired kids in meltdown, a dining room that looks like the scene at the end of that Travis video and a wife who is On The Edge.


But when thinking about who have been the stand out drivers so far this season, it occurred to me that each generation instinctively adds a different name to the end of the rhetorical phrase “who do you think you are...” when talking about someone speeding or driving like a lunatic on a motorway. I think Sir Stirling Moss was the first racing driver whose name became synonymous with fast driving and so "who do you think you are, Stirling Moss?" was supposedly the standard question all British policemen asked speeding motorists. Well allegedly. And come to think of it, I was still hearing this phrase being bandied around even when I was young which is obviously going back a bit but still was many, many years after Moss had stopped racing!

Then at some stage, this saying morphed into "who do you think you are...Nigel Mansell?". The Mighty Moustache was hugely adored by the man (or the odd woman) on the street and I think he was the first to oust Stirling Moss in this everyday kind of banter. I suppose in between there was James Hunt who every man wished that he could be but because most mere mortals were so far removed from the insanely cool and glamorous world of James Hunt, I guess it didn’t really take off.

The best “who do you think you are” story that I have ever heard involved Ayrton Senna. During one British Grand Prix weekend, Senna was running late for free practice. He was pulled over by a police officer for speeding and the officer came to the window (presumably looking Ayrton Senna right in the eye!) and the conversation (apparently) went a bit like this:

Plod:    “Who do you think you are, Nigel Mansell?”
Senna: “Actually no, I’m Ayrton Senna.” Doh.

I think during the 1990s, all the intense Damon love meant that Damon Hill became the next driver to be name-checked for a while. Now I suspect it might be Lewis Hamilton (more so than Jenson Button). Lewis definitely seems more of a speed adrenalin junkie than Jenson which brings me onto my main point. We are now one-third of the way through the season. One of the most tantalising aspects of the 2012 season (as trumpeted over and over again by Sky) was the fact that a record SIX current or former F1 World Champions would be racing alongside each other. Seven races in seems as arbitrary a point as any to rank them on their performances so far.

So who is top of the class with hundreds of smiley faces and who is sobbing in the corner with a pointy dunce hat on? In order of brilliance (descending into mediocre then utterly crud), we have as follows:

1.     Fernando Alonso

He is only 2 points behind the leader (Lewis Hamilton) in a car that is basically a bit rubbish. Those in the know were saying early on in the season this was the worst car Ferrari had produced in 20 years (no mean feat given the diabonical effort that was the 1996 Ferrari). David Coulthard, not someone prone to hyperbole, said in Australia that there was something “fundamentally wrong” with that car. But still Alonso has been stunningly consistent all season picking up points in every single race. This has been one of the craziest, most unpredictable seasons (7 different winners etc) but Alonso seems to cope brilliantly with all tracks, all conditions and whatever chaos is unfolding around him.

2.     Lewis Hamilton

Currently leading the World Championship with a win (in Canada) finally under this belt and like Alonso has been superbly consistent (finished in the points in every race) and so it was very tough choosing between him and Fernando. But given where we are so far and the fact that Lewis has a much superior car (taking nothing away from his racing), Alonso just pips Lewis.

3.     Sebastian Vettel

Lying in 3rd place in the Drivers Championship. Aside from one aberration in Malaysia (involving an HRT – what else?) he has finished in the points every race (it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that consistency is the key this season…so far). Somehow Vettel hasn’t impressed me quite as much as in previous seasons. A lingering suspicion remains that he is most comfortable and in the zone when leading from the front in The Best Car.

4.     Kimi Raikkonen

No one knew what to expect when Kimi returned. Least of all, I suspect, Kimi himself. He currently has the 4th most points of all the former World Champions so in a way the stats don’t lie. Not many people would have bet money on Kimi in a Lotus having been on the podium twice already. The last couple of races have been a bit stuttery and (whisper it quietly) Romain Grosjean is giving his more illustrious (if slightly barking mad) team-mate a good old run for his money.

5.     Jenson Button

As with 1 and 2, it was pretty tough ranking 5 and 6 but on the strength of Jenson’s race win a long, long time ago in Australia and another podium in China, he just squeaked into 5th place. But his last few races have been abysmal (2 points in the last 4 races) and by his own admission he was “lost and confused” after the Canadian GP. A truly great driver will find a way to make the car work for them and while Button is very good, I don’t think he is quite as naturally talented as Fernando or Lewis. Sorry Jenson.

6.     Michael Schumacher

Oh Michael, where did it all go wrong? As much as it pains me (though it would delight many others) to rank the Great Michael Schumacher last, we cannot escape the facts. Seven races. Five retirements. Two 10th places. Just two paltry pathetic points. Even Jean-Eric Vergne has more than that. It has been a truly terrible season. Aside from his magnificent pole position in Monaco (and even that was hit with a 5 place grid penalty), Michael’s season has lurched from one disaster to another. One massive point in Michael’s defence is that he has been struck with a hideous catalogue of reliability problems (gearbox failure, loose wheel, falling fuel pressure and a jammed DRS flap). I suppose it can only get better. Surely?

The great thing about nailing my colours to the mast so early on is everyone (ie. the husband) can snigger away when Jenson Button wins 4 races on the trot… Still there’s a whopping 13 races to go. Anything can happen!

Tuesday 12 June 2012

Canadian GP - The Race


Hamilton overtaking Alonso (as reimagined by the 4 year old)

The upside of having a race starting at 7pm is that I can actually watch most of the race without trying and generally failing to keep small children entertained and under control. It has been known after lunchtime races to discover that the coffee table has been liberally redecorated with felt-tips or scenes of utter devastation in various bedrooms upstairs (the 4 year old has reached the military campaign stage – one small tub of plastic soldiers bought on a random whim has unleased an imperialist monster).

The downside of having a race start at 7pm is that its practically impossible to watch any of the build-up or start or middle of the race as it straddles that fraught bit of the day which is feeding tired and emotional kids and attempting to get them off to bed. There was also some other Important Sport going on, ie. the football which has been on the TV pretty much constantly day and night in the House of Power since Friday but its cool, I love football too. I love most sport which I suspect was an important criterion for the husband back in the day (this is the man whose only main requirement when buying a house was did it have a Sky dish to watch sport on). But sometimes it is hard to keep up with it all, especially in the summer. Which Still Has Not Arrived. Still never fear, I’m off to France for most of August so it is stone-bonkingly certain that the UK will bask in glorious sunshine and a non-stop heatwave while we are away.

The great Gilles Villeneuve

Anyway no need to debate which coverage to select as the Beeb wasn’t showing the race live, so over to Sky. Hooray (not) to see Jacques Villeneuve was there once again still rocking the Lex Luthor meets the bloke from Crystal Maze look. There was some waffley chit-chat bit (about which I have written the words ‘very boring’) before we were treated to some awesome footage of Gilles Villeneuve winning the Canadian GP in 1978 and an interview piece by Nigel Roebuck on Gilles which was absolute magic. Sky should dispatch a minion to go off and unearth old reels of Roebuck’s stuff. It is pure gold.

Quick canter through some driver interviews (Alonso, Paul Di Resta), a further reminder from Simon Lazenby that Canada had among the best and most knowledgeable F1 fans of any race. That might well be true (they do love their cars across the pond) but it felt like he was really creeping up to Jacques every time he said it. It made me feel a bit sick. Once would have been enough. I will be gobsmacked if Lazenby is still presenting F1 next year. He is so awkward, nervous and ill at ease. His facial expressions vacillate between bored, irritated or stupid gurning looks. He really gives the impression of someone who has zero interest in F1 or had never been to an F1 race before Melbourne this year. Seven races already and he just really sucks at presenting. I’m sure he is a lovely guy but need to Get Rid Now. I mean, hello, Sky have the solution right under their noses. Two words…Damon Hill. Damnit, I’m joking of course – give JOHNNY HERBERT the job. Its so freaking obvious it should be him, its unreal. Rant over.


Iggle Piggle (just to keep the 1 year old happy when I re-read this tomorrow!)

Next up we had highlights of last year’s magnificent race. I remember watching all 4 or 5 hours of it whilst trapped in our cottage in Cornwall due to torrential rain. Plus ça change. It’s a miracle I haven’t emigrated yet or am not on anti-depressants for SAD living in this rain-sodden island of ours. The 1 year old suddenly gave Jenson Button a round of applause which startled us all – this is a privilege normally only reserved for Iggle Piggle. Hallowed status indeed. Ah Jenson, remember when you did loads of aggressive driving and stunning overtaking moves in the rain à la Senna. These were indeed Happier Times. For some reason, Sky decided to recreate the moment when Jenson overtook Vettel in last year’s race using the medium of two track buggies and Martin Brundle. It didn’t really work. This neatly segued into an interview with Martin Whitmarsh who didn’t have any explanation for why it is all going wrong for Button this year. He just looked sad and confused. A bit like Button really.

We got ‘treated’ to another track guide (the 3rd or 4th this weekend) to justify the increasingly pointless Sky Pad. Surely everyone also fast-forwards these bits as well? Another reminder of the victims of past races claimed by the Wall of Champions and the 4 year old was horrified to see Michael Schumacher crashing out until I pointed out this had all happened in the past. Although given Mercedes’ rubbish reliability* issues, this could also happen in the near future. (*may or may not be a Spoiler Alert)

So time for #MartinsGridWalk. Huzzah! First person that Martin pounced on was the founder of Cirque du Soleil which the whole of flipping F1 seems to have checked out this weekend. Not really a fan of circuses myself. Still each to their own. Then Martin spotted Bernie and Mario Andretti. Apparently Mario has been heavily involved with the new Grand Prix in Austin. I think this means Mario will be a highly-paid ambassador as opposed to anything too taxing but it was great to see him at the race. A proper old-school racer. His view on racing: “if everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough.” 

Martin Brundle was floundering slightly for interviewees and nabbed a Red Bull mechanic to ask for £500 for his iphone which accidentally got ruined when Martin was chucked into the Red Bull swimming pool at Monaco (its non-stop fun and japes at Red Bull). The mechanic correctly responded with “ask my boss” and literally in a nanosecond up popped Christian Horner for a quick word. Sometimes I feel like there are 3 Christian Horners in the pitlane – there’s always one about 2 metres from a camera at any given time. Christian was there with Martin Donnelly who (Smug Claim to Fame Moment that probably won't impress many people) I met recently at Brands Hatch.

Adrian Newey's stash of drawings from the pitlane

The highlight of #MartinsGridWalk was Martin spotting Adrian Newey, the Master of the Dark Arts himself, intently scribbling/drawing away in a big notebook. The moment that Martin hoved into view (with a great phalanx of Sky cameras behind him), Adrian slammed his big notebook shut. Martin asked whether he was already drawing next year’s car. No Martin, I think he was drawing bits and pieces from other cars on the grid to shove into next year’s car. Not necessarily saying any industrial espioniage was taking place and of course Adrian might simply have been doing a doodle of some aliens like the 4 year old often does. But that big notebook has definite Tom Riddle’s Diary connotations. Also we saw that Scary Ron was in town. No wonder poor old Martin Whitmarsh looked haggard earlier.

Time For the Start and Go Go Go...! All the drivers got away cleanly. To my slight disappointment - the last thing we wanted was for Vettel to zoom off into the distance. This would be a Disaster. By lap 2 we already had our first slick overtaking move of the race by Massa (bet you didn’t see that coming!) on Nico Rosberg. Depressingly, Vettel had entered that setting continuous fastest laps zone. Next to scythe past Nico was Paul Di Resta for 6th place. Di Resta is a bit of an enigma to me – he is very calm and controlled and actually would be a perfect fit for Mercedes. Remind you of anyone? If the rumours are true, the Silver Arrows are keeping tabs on him.

Just as the ink had dried on my positive remarks on Massa’s start, he then had a spectacular spin putting a big flat spot on his tyres and sending him crashing own to 13th. Oh Felipe, you muppet. It all settled down for a few laps before Tyre Degradation started to rear its ugly head around lap 10. Nico who wasn’t exactly driving the wheels off his car was told to go easy on the tyres. To be fair, he couldn't really go much slower.

First into the pits was Massa, then Schuey and then Di Resta who had been complaining in a very mild and calm way about his tyres. Schuey came out right behind Kovalainen which surely wasn't the plan. Suddenly, Hamilton was starting to make massive inroads on Vettel. It looked like we actually had a race on our hands! Kimi Raikkonen suddenly woke up and did a stunning overtaking move on Jenson Button. After Kimi got past and zoomed off into the distance, Perez (keep a watchful eye on him!), Kobayashi and the Hulk were swarming all over the back of Button’s car.

With Hamilton almost touching his bumper (or F1 equivalent), Vettel dived into the pits on lap 17 and one lap later, in went Hamilton who by this time had Alonso right behind him. On the McLaren Pitstop Disastometer stakes, it was about a 3. The car went into anti-stall mode and Lewis lost about a second which is colossal in F1 terms. Still all was not lost as Lewis came out just ahead of Vettel. Last of the trio to pit was Alonso and Ferrari being Ferrari (well indoctrinated in ways of efficiency from the Schumacher Years) did a superb pitstop and Alonso emerged to lead the race. But not for long. Lewis got into position, activated the DRS and catapaulted past Alonso on the long pit straight.

I have jotted down that Grosjean then went into the pits from the lead and came out in 9th place. It didn’t seem important at the time but keep your other watchful eye on Romain (apologies for referring to him as Sebastian in my Monaco blog – too many years of watching tennis…). The commentators told us in meaningful tones that Button had pitted early which hadn’t worked; and now Grosjean had pitted later on which also hadn’t worked. Its fair to say that Lotus might have a better grasp of strategy than the Sky lads in the commentary box.


What might have been going through Narain's mind moments before his crash
From nowhere (but you know its always going to happen just the same!), Narain Karthikeyan took his HRT off track for an epic spin (ie. the type where you go round and round and end up retiring from a race). We were told there used to be a big tree at that corner which used to scare the drivers but the tree isn’t there any more. Not sure what the message was there. Either Narain was hallucinating about the tree or he just had one of those ‘help, I’m about to crash’ moments. I like Narain ever since I realised we drove around F1 circuits similarly (him for a living, me on the Wii). Wonder if there is a Fake Narain twitter account, or indeed a real one. That’s something to research while watching some random football match later.

Schuey was given the hurry up on Paul Di Resta whilst watching Kobayashi emerge from the pits in front of him. Its safe to say that Mercedes haven’t lived up their early season promise and, in a way, nor have Lotus. Lotus need a brilliant strategist like Ross Brawn and Mercedes need someone like Adrian Newey who can design a fast car that actually gets to the end of a race. Though Mercedes also need someone like Scary Ron who can shout a lot at people who make mistakes. Actually McLaren need Scary Ron. This is getting too confusing.

Back to a new scene of carnage involving an HRT and this time its Pedro de la Rosa’s car which appeared to be engulfed in plumes of big, black smoke. Its never good when a commentator uses the word ‘coalmine’ in relation to an F1 car.

Therapist couch - F1 style

Meanwhile it was suddenly brought to our attention that Sergio Perez, Ferrari-driver-in-waiting, currently in 5th place had yet to stop so clearly he was one-stopping. That would spice things up nicely! Lewis was then told over the radio they were sticking to Plan A. Given Button often gets switched over to Plan B which generally stuffs his race up (further), this was encouraging news. But what was Plan A – a one-stopper (like Perez) or a two-stopper? Is it worth mentioning Button went into the pits again and came out in 17th place. Nope, fair enough. Hope he is allowed access to Lewis’ therapist after the race as he might be in need of a session on the couch.

Finally on lap 42, Perez came into the pits and came out ahead of Nico in 7th place. Schuey was ducking and diving with Kobayashi back in 12th place. This wasn’t in the Mercedes script. Again. Will the real Mercedes team stand up? Is it the one which won the Chinese GP and took pole position at Monaco or the other one which we see in most other races and is basically a bit crud.

Lewis was back on the radio again asking were they sure that Alonso and Vettel weren’t in fact one-stopping. He was told yes, the team were sure they weren’t. Remember this exchange, folks.

Schuey had another routine pitstop and then we heard (and indeed could see) that his rear DRS flap was still open. So back into the pits and there were almost comical scenes as mechanics tried to force the flap shut (with as much technical prowess as the husband shows on those rare occasions he attempts DIY). All their pushing and tugging was to no avail and so Schuey had his fifth retirement out of seven races. This is bad luck of Johnny Herbert epic proportions. I’m almost welling up at the awfulness of it all. Stake your bets now for what will go wrong with Schuey’s car in the Valencia GP. Maybe a small bird will drop from the sky and become embedded in a brake duct causing another retirement and much distress to the 4 year old. The racing gods have not been kind to Michael Schumacher this year. David Coulthard would no doubt say this was karma. 

Schuey’s loyal but tired sounding comments were "I knew there was something not correct with the car but I didn't expect it to be the DRS. When I looked in the mirror and saw the problem, I thought: 'Oops, that's interesting.' But I've no regrets for the team. They did their utmost."

How much longer will he have the heart to stay driving at Mercedes? They have let him down terribly. It is getting embarrassing now.

Just in case we forgot about Vergne (its quite easy to), he incurred a penalty for speeding in the pitlane and rejoined just behind Button, ie. in the broken and demoralised world of backmarkers and Caterhams. Poor old Jenson was almost lapped by Lewis until McLaren thoughtfully hauled Lewis into the pits. Martin Whitmarsh is a kind hearted soul. Scary Ron would have let Lewis lap his team-mate just to teach Jenson a lesson. So another McLaren pitstop and another problem as Lewis was delayed moving off. Have they got a mole working in their pitlane crew from one of other teams. You just couldn’t make it up. Its like this is the title that McLaren should win but doesn’t really want to win.

Hamilton or Perez - take your pick

So lap 56 and the order was 1. Alonso, 2. Vettel and 3. Hamilton, but Lewis was driving like a man possessed and doing purple sectors all over the shop. But more to the point, Alonso and Vettel hadn’t gone in for second pitstops (as McLaren had banked on). Never mind, Lewis was now pyschotically focusing on winning the race and was eating chunks out of Vettel’s lap-times.

Not to be out-driven, Perez was also driving like a demon and overtook first Nico, then Massa to move into 5th position. He qualified back in 15th position. Lets just think about that for a moment. And the race was still not over yet. Lap 62 and Lewis cruised past Vettel on the back straight. One down, one to go. One lap later, Vettel pitted (okay I wasn’t expecting that) and rejoined behind Perez who was now in 4th place. Lap 64 and Lewis cruised past Alonso to retake the LEAD at the Canadian GP with just 6 laps to go. Go Lewis – thankfully no further pitstops looked likely so it was looking good for the young man from Stevenage!

Alonso’s race (well his tyres to be precise) starting falling off a cliff big-time as first Grosjean, then Perez (who was still setting unbelievable lap-times) and Vettel eventually passed him. Although Vettel was lucky to stay in the race after having a near miss at the Wall of Champions. Where’s his concentration – doesn’t he know it’s a Danger Spot? Silly boy.

Final lap and Lewis Hamilton crossed the line 2.2 seconds ahead of Grosjean. So we had our SEVENTH winner in SEVEN different races. The win in Austin for Narain is still on the cards! A fantastic drive from Lewis and that really breathes life into his championship challenge. Slightly sticky moment where he spoke to Martin Whitmarsh after the race.

Lewis: “Hey Martin, you told me that Alonso and Vettel were two-stopping like me”.
Whitmarsh: “Er, sorry Lewis, we got that bit wrong, anyway well done for not listening to us and still pushing as hard as you could and for winning the race”. <Paraphrasing a little but that was the general gist>

Scary Ron's bedtime reading

Away from all the driving, the tortuous round of contract negotiations have begun in earnest and Scary Ron’s most recent public utterance has been to say that Lewis “is at the end of a contract which was signed at a time when the economy was somewhat different and now there has to be a balance between that”. Lewis Hamilton’s manager is the ubiquitous Simon Fuller. The mind boggles at the thought of Scary Ron and Fuller negotiating contract terms in the same room! Still gives Ron plenty of opportunity for some trademark death stares. And all power to Ron in that regard.

So here are the results from the Canadian Grand Prix 2012:

1.     Lewis Hamilton – Superb and very mature drive but I am starting to wonder whether this is the beginning of the end of the beautiful relationship with McLaren. Loved his Union Jack moment at the end though.
2.     Grosjean – Talk about an all or nothing driver. One race – he is a one-man mobile chicane crash fiend, the next race he drives brilliantly.
3.     Perez – To reiterate, he qualified 15th and ended up on the podium. Awesome.
4.     Vettel – Some useful points but ending up in 4th place from pole ain’t great.
5.     Alonso – Big Ferrari Fail for not bringing Alonso in for another pitstop. They had the time.
6.     Rosberg – Totally forgotten about him.

Quick word on Button who finished in 16th place – he sounded like a broken man at the end of the race. Very sad to see especially for longtime fan, the husband. He said he was confused and lost (Button not the husband!) and I must admit it is baffling how Lewis is doing so brilliantly and Button’s season is rapidly disintegrating.

For my money, the title is distilling down to a fierce battle between Hamilton, Vettel and Alonso and it really is too close to call. This season is absolutely blinding – the best in simply years and I love, love, love blogging about it.

So until Valencia – lets go for an eighth winner in eight races. Mad for it…!